Still Kicking...

Hi all, I'm still alive.  For the past year I have been having tech problems.  I didn't know how to attach my little Logitech keyboard to my new Samsung S2 tablet.  Now it's not so new but Samsung hasn't come up with a new tablet pc to outdo what I now have.  Soooooo, now that my keyboard is connected I can come back to writing my feelings about what's going on in my world.

I am still doing caregiving for my now 89 year old Mother.  It is getting more difficult as she falls deeper into dementia.  She loves to go for drives and eat out.  So we do that about every other day.  I've had a big break in caregiving with my brother being home now.  I try to get up there at least a couple of days a week to set up her pills and give my brother a break.

Next week my brother will be having major surgery at the University of Chicago Medical Center and so I will be with mom for 6-9 days before they release my brother from the hospital.  Then a few days more after my brother gets back so he can recover more.

PLUS we are moving into a new home!  I'm exhausted thinking about this.  Naturally as a person with ADHD I am overwhelmed just thinking about it.  So, I shift my mind into neutral, just put one foot in front of the other and keep plugging away.  I am sooo thankful for the emotional support of the ADDIVA facebook page.  I have not availed myself of it yet but knowing its there is a HUGE comfort.  Also, I have absolutely the best husband on the planet, he is so understanding of my temperment, it's uncanny.

But for today I am grateful for:
1.  My Husband
2. FINALLY connecting this keyboard to this tablet!
3.  Facebook support pages like ADDIVA
4.  Sadie
5.  Jami, Wendy, Sharon, Kathy, Jain and Sara.

Bring on the New...

First a Photo...

This is me at 7 or 8 years old holding a couple of Taffy's puppies.  Taffy was the dog a grew up with and she was a mixed breed.  She was the family dog and the neighborhood supplier of puppies.  But, more importantly she was the 4th child of my parents and my baby sister.  You see, when I was growing up, my family was aware of how pets enrich your life and really can become the 4 legged child or furbaby.

Now another picture...

This is me 52 years later with the latest addition to our family, Sadie Tip Callahan.  You see, after Gabbi went to run in the fields of heaven  I was sort of mopie and my husband didn't want to see me hurting anymore.  

After Gabbi passed I told my husband that I was more than willing to give it a shot at life without pets.  My husband was raised on a farm and for him, dogs were part of the livestock and stayed outside let alone sleep under the covers with you.  He was wonderfully tolerant of first Buster, then Gabbi and he even had his own dog, a Shi Tzu named Roly Poly.  He gradually began to understand how a dog is a great example of unconditional love and is now spouting the rules of positive reinforcement training.  

So, one Sunday in July he walked out of the bedroom and asked me what would I name a new puppy if we got one.  I told him he was confusing me cause I thought we had an agreement that we weren't gonna get another dog.  He told me that he wanted his wife back, meaning that he knew I would never totally be myself without a dog and he understood that who he fell in love with had to have a dog in her life.  He also admitted that God told him to get me a dog and he'd been fighting it for a week.  

Anyway, he had been cruising Craig's List and found some Jack Russell Terrier puppies for sale.  He contacted the breeder and they had one left.  He told the breeder that we could come and see the puppy in a couple of days, either Tuesday or Wednesday.  When he told me all this, I just figured the puppy was not happening.  Besides we were entertaining his Brother and Wife for dinner at a local restaurant in a few hours.

While waiting for my inlaws to show up the name Sadie popped into my head and I couldn't shake it.  To pass the time I started to thumb through an LL Bean catalog and when I got to the dog leashes and stuff they had some customized food mats and one of them had the name Sadie on it.  I took it as a sign.

At the restaurant, my sister-in-law, out of the blue, looks at my husband and tells him he needs to get me a dog.  Another sign.

When we got home I found the add on Craig's List and wondered if Sadie was the runt of the litter.  I also showed my husband a magnet I had in my office at the VA of a Jack Russell Terrier Puppy.  It had graced my file cabinet for years and when patients or employees asked if that was my dog I would respond "no but I'm gonna have one someday.

Then I called the breeder to find out if Sadie was the runt.  She replied that Sadie was indeed the runt.  I said that I was partial to runts and she said that she was as well, however, her husband had promised the puppy to another person.  I was discouraged but asked that if that other person didn't show up to please give me a call because we were very interested in the puppy.  

I gave my husband the news and he began to pray that if this was the puppy God wanted us to have, the other person wouldn't show up.  I just told the Lord that if it was His will that we don't get the puppy, I would not let it interfere with our relationship by being angry or disappointed.  

I got the phone call at 9:55 am the following day.  We drove down to a small town south of Decatur and picked up our newest family member.

  

Introducing Miss Sadie Tip Callahan

So today I'm grateful for:

1.  My Wonderful Husband who really gets me.

2.  God for making the way to get my newest baby.

3.  All the aches I have from chasing Sadie around.

4.  All the laughs I get watching Sadies antics

5.  SADIE TIP!

Later,

Jan  

Sisters

Growing up as the only girl with 2 older brothers I always wished I had a sister.  Having only brothers somehow made me feel that being a girl was like getting a booby prize, or coming in last in a race.  This may have been the emotional hypersensativity of ADHD, or it could have been my family's culture.  Fortunately for me, I had a pretty progressive mother.  She was pretty much a tomboy all her life and even though she made sure I had "girly" experiences and toys, she also made sure I didn't take being "girly" seriously.  My brothers also had a hand in keeping me humble.

Now that I'm in my 7th decade here on planet earth I realize that I've had sisters all along. Girls (now women) woven in and out of various stages of my life that helped shape and define who I now am as a woman.

My sisters from my immediate neighborhood:  Sandy, Susan, Trina, Alice and Julie.  From you, I learned how to play fair and pretty much how fun imagination can be.

The sisters from my gradeschool class:  Bonnie, Jackie, Diane, Ro, Marti, Janet, Alice, Phyllis, Jenny and Jane.  From you, I learned to enjoy life as it comes, bumps and all.  I also learned that it's ok to be me.

My sisters from my summers around the pool:  Jain, Annie, Bonnie, Susy, Kathy, Maria and Susan.  From you I learned how to be a gracious hostess because if I wasn't, my mom would definitely get angry.  I also learned that laying in the sun was boring.

The sisters from high school years:  Susy, Kathy, Maria and Susan.  From you I learned to be strong and that it's ok to defend myself.

My sisters from the young adult years:  Suzanne (Peanut Butter), Kathy (Kreegs), Jain (Jelly): Only the Bears are the same.  That it's ok to grow and change, so long as you stay true to yourself.

The sisters in the faith:  Jain, Karen, Cathy, Dawn, Denise, Pat, Wendy, Ro, Alice, Marti, Sue, and Janice.  You introduced me to the love of my life and showed me how to be a woman of faith, for that I'm eternally grateful.

My sisters who have been recently rediscovered: Jax - my pinochle and New Year's buddy, (we probably shared a crib while our parents played pinochle) and Denise - my first and only prayer partner.  You taught me that friendships (and sisters) have no time frame.

There are more sisters that I could mention but I think you get the picture.  For those of us who were born into families that had only one girl, if you look around you, you will find a whole bunch of sisters, older, younger, past, and present.  Enjoy and appreciate each one.

So, to all my sisters, thank you for all the adventures, fun and laughter.  When I remember each of you, my heart smiles.

So for today I'm grateful for:

1.  Sisters, however they're packaged.
2.  Memories of my youth - I really had a good one.
3.  Reconnecting with Jax and Denise.
4.  All the women in my life.
5.  My Mother and Grandmother.

Later,
Jan

Never pay retail.

Gabbi's red bed has now become UD's favorite bed.  I'm sitting here watching UD sleep in what was Gabbi's favorite bed just before she died.  Now UD prefers that bed.  For those of you who are dog lovers and owners out there it's a Medium Coleman dog  hammock type of bed.  It has a metal framework much like those camp chairs that fold up into a 3 foot tall skinny bag.  On that metal framework is a nylon canvas sling or 4 cornered hammock that is  held onto the framework by corner pockets.

Just cause I like to brag about my bargains... this bed is worth around $70 on the web and I don't think Coleman makes it anymore.  I got the bed for ONLY $1.50 at a garage sale.  I love it when things like that happen.

I rarely pay retail, about the only thing I may pay full price for is certain brands of shoes, like Crocs.  I live in my Crocs all year.  I wear them till the tread is gone then get a new pair.  Often, I will find them in discount shoe stores or stores like TJ Maxx, but if I have to, I will sacrifice and pay full price for a pair I really want.  Mind you, I don't have a closet full of them, only about 5 pair and I'm not talking the clunky clogs.  I do have a pair of the fur lined clogs I wear in the winter and one pair of transitional Keen type of sandals that I can wear socks in if I have to.  Then there are my summer slides, ballet flats and my everyday  when I don't care about fashion athletic slides.  The last pair I'm wearing now.

I really think you can get good quality items if you shop with a discerning eye in ALL venues, from major high end departments stores like Nieman Marcus to outlet malls to resale shops to local garage sales.  And you shouldn't have to pay full retail at department or boutique stores if you know how to shop the clearance racks.  It has become such a game to me that I find it challenging to see how much I can get for $10 when I go for a Saturday morning of garage sales.

I'm starting to get preachy here so I think I'll stop.

So for today I'm thankful for:
1.  Gabbi's red bed which is now UD's red bed
2.  Garage Sales - best sport know to man
3.  Bargains
4.  MSRP - so I know how good of a bargain I'm getting
5.  That UD's sleeping in Gabbi's bed right now and not barking in the window!

Til later,
Jan

Missing Gabbi

The other day I went out on our back deck to enjoy the warm spring air.  While I stood there, all I could see was Gabbi running around the back yard.  It was hard and I didn't stay out too long.  If the neighbors looked out their windows they would have seen me sobbing.  Fortunately it was during work/school hours so I don't think I was seen.

On the deck was her old bed.  I can't bring myself to part with it.  I know it should go though.  I don't want to sell it in a garage sale, I'd rather burn it. There are a few other things I want to get rid of that I wouldn't mind selling and IF we get another dog down the road I know where to get replacements.

I'm surprised at how much I still look for her.  There are times I want to put my plate down on the kitchen floor so she can lick the scraps and then I catch myself.  That's how it is when I go out to the backyard.  I catch myself looking for her.  There are neighbors to the west of us who might ask what happened to our dog and I find myself not knowing how to say she's gone.  We only see these neighbors when we're outside and we haven't been out in the back yard since before Thanksgiving.  The 2 boys liked Gabbi and wanted to pet her whenever I had her out and they were out as well.

Then there are the times I recall the last time I held her and long to turn the clock back to that moment before the vet injected the chemical that stopped her heart.  Even though she was senile and didn't know who I was anymore she knew she wanted to be with me. She looked for me all the time and was most content when she could see me and knew I was there for her.  All she really needed physically was some sleep.  It was to the point where she was pacing 22 out of 24 hours.  She was literally walking herself to death.  The only sleep she got was in my arms and for an hour or 2 after I laid her down in her bed while she was sleeping.  If I had gotten her some sort of narcotic that let her sleep for 16 hours each day would she have been able to recover enough to have a quality of life that would have let her live a couple more years?   I hadn't thought of that before this past week.  Until her last 2 weeks she was a happy dog even though she was senile, she enjoyed her food and being in sight of us.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm the type of person who needs another dog but, I really want to see how life without a pet turns out.

So, I'm grateful for:
1.  Other peoples pets.
2.  Pictures of rescued dogs on Facebook
3.  Movies of rescued dogs on Facebook and Godvine
4.  My mother's dog
5.  Memories of Gabbi, Roly and Buster.

Later,
Jan

St. Paddy's Day

I know I'm one day late but I'm kind of sad about it cause I didn't spend it with my proudly Irish husband.  We are making sacrifices so I can be with my mother 4 nights out of the week.  Part of that sacrifice is not spending St. Patrick's day together. We did have the normal corned beef and cabbage dinner but it's just not the same.

Don't get me wrong, I volunteered to be with my mom and my husband supports the decision.  Really I find it a blessing to spend this time with her.  Yes, she often gets on my last nerve but so do a lot of other people. I'm pretty much a "I woke up with a good attitude, but then idiots happened" kind of person.  Throw enough idiots (or sheep, hi Wendy) in my path and I get a pretty short fuse to snippy.  But, even with my personality defects as they are, I wouldn't trade this time with my mom for anything.  My mom has always been witty, charming and hysterically funny.  We have a lot of fun when we feel up to it.  I just wish I could spend more time with my husband.  I miss him.

I've always said that my mother would not go into a nursing home and I still believe this.  I truly believe that Europeans have it right when the families take in and care for their grandmas and grandpas until the end.  I like that culture where life is not "thrown into an institution" for the convenience of the younger generations. Since when is it OK for us to think of our families as an inconvenience?  When did a life become a commodity to be thrown away when it's no longer useful or convenient?  How does one determine the usefulness of a human life?  Who can be that arrogant?  Somebody kick this soap box out from under me.

Anyway, all this to say, I love my husband and my mother and feel so blessed to have them both in my life.  It's just kind of bittersweet that 5 hours, 5 days or 5 years, this is the last chance I have to hear my mother's voice, touch her face, laugh with her, ride in the car to explore some new corner of Illinois with her and until she leaves this world, each time will always be the last time.  I'm ready, but I don't have to like it.

So, today I'm grateful for:
1.  The life I've had so far
2.  That my Mother was part of it
3.  Laughter
4.  Hearing my mother walking around in her room above my head.
5.  Lessons that my mother taught me.

Snow

You know, that fluffy white stuff... I love how the earth seems to be so quiet after a few inches of freshly fallen snow. It's as though snow is the perfect sound dampener.  People with ADHD can be very sensitive to stimulae, i.e. noise, light, tags in clothing, textures of cloths and how they feel against the skin.  Right now I'm sitting in my mother's living room and I can hear the blower of the furnace, a clock quietly ticking, cars going by on the road out front and a low hum the earth seems to constantly play.  But, it's quiet and somehow the snow in the yard outside the window has made the cars not so loud as they pass by.  I'm reminded by the quiet of a beautiful song by Michael Card entitled "In Stillness and Simplicity"

In stillness and simplicity, in the silence of the heart I see,
The mystery of eternity Who lives inside of me.

In stillness and simplicity, I hear the Spirit silently, 
That You oh Lord are close to me, in stillness and simplicity.

You're the Word Who must be heard by those who listen quietly.
Is the reason we're not still to hear You speak, because we don't believe You will?

In stillness and simplicity, I loose myself in finding Thee.  
Oh Lord You mean so much to me, in stillness and simplicity.

So Seek the One who dwells in you, the Kingdom that within is true,
That innermost reality, in stillness and simplicity.

This song speaks to how I feel at times like these.  Time to get back to basics, to stillness and simplicity.  We as a society have developed a "doctrine of business" - if we're not busy, we're not productive.  However it's at those times of quietness before our Creator that we become most creative and, as a consequence, most productive.  Unfortunately it is so difficult to quiet ourselves enough to hear the Lord speak, it's so easy to fidget and let our minds wander when we attempt to practice meditation that, when I find myself in the position I'm now in, it's so moving and wonderful.  In this present quietness I feel like I could reach out and touch the Lord's face and talk to Him as though we were sitting across the table from each other, drinking coffee and sharing conversation.  OK, I admit, when I'm sure no one is around I actually speak out loud to the chair across from me as though the Lord is sitting right there.  Afterwards I hunger for more but then my mind gets distracted by something and I'm back in the world.

My husband's cousin posted something on FaceBook about how to study the Bible.  A great bible scholar was asked how he studied the Bible and he responded that he read each book 40 to 50 times before he began to study it. How simple and yet profound.

So today I'm grateful for:

1.  Snow
2.  Quietness
3.  Sharing Conversation with the Lord
4.  Sharing daily verses with Jain
5.  A good night's sleep

Later
Jan