And... Life goes on...

Christmas is a small miracle.  OK a huge miracle.  Why do I say that?  Because I'm slowly getting into the spirit of Christmas.  We have our tree up, just need to find the bulb that's broke and fix the red lights.  The blue and green lights are working.  I'm not really into searching the entire tree or even half to find the broken light.  I want one of those gizmos they advertised on TV last year where you plug it into one light socket and it shows you the missing/broken light.

I was able to walk through the utility room and think of Gabbi without being overwhelmed with grief.  With ADHD, being overwhelmed is a constant threat to the flow of production.  Tonight, however I was able to get the advent calender out of the Christmas Casket (huge red and green storage bin that could hold a corpse, hence the name) and get it ready to be loaded with chocolate.  It has 24 drawers for the 24 days leading up to Christmas, pull out a drawer, get the candy, eat it, turn the drawer to the backside and place it back into the calendar, at the end of 24 days it displays a picture of an alpine village decked out for Christmas.  Got it at Starbucks a few years ago and just love it.

Stockings are hung on the coffee cup rack in the kitchen.  Gotta get the manger scene out and set up.  Got the wreath hung on the door and other Christmas decorations strewn around.  Looking a little bit festive at the Callahan's if you ask me.  Just need to find a couple other things to complete the picture.

It has been said that Christmas can be an overwhelming time for those with ADD but, having all our decorations in one place and ready to go makes it much easier.

So today I'm grateful for...
1.  The Christmas Casket (I recommend everybody get one)
2.  My Husband
3.  The Lord who died so I might live.
4.  My neighbors
5.  My friends

Later dudes...

I want to change the title of this blog

Right now I think that "Life without Gabbi" would be a good title and I know that sometime I'll get over it or her loss but ADHD does make emotions much stronger.  That's one of the traits of ADHD I chose to like, heightened emotional sensitivity (yes Wendy, I can now cry with the best of them).  I am much more sensitive than a normal person which can be both good and bad.  Good cause I'm more in tune with others who hurt and need help, bad because that makes me an easier target for the bullies.  Fortunately for me, I have a pretty good sense of self and an accurate opinion of my strengths and weaknesses.  So no matter what bullies may throw at me, I'm pretty secure in who I am and get over it pretty quickly.  Most people would call it confidence.  I call it "Just Being Me."  I'm very grateful the Lord blessed me with it.

There was a great segment on the Dr. Oz show about females living with ADHD where Dr. Oz interviewed Dr. Ned Hallowell (one of my heroes) and another psychiatrist specializing in ADHD.  It focused on issues of moodiness, anxiety (Wendy, quit laughing, I can hear you all the way over here, jeeeesh!), and fatigue.  I highly recommend you google Dr. Hallowell and look for it on his website or facebook page and watch it.

Gabbi helped me with ADHD.  She kept me calm.  She was also the best headache medicine in the world.  Just stick your head into her side and somehow the headache disappears.  I miss those things a lot.  I have no one to rub my head into when it hurts.  I have no one to scratch behind the ears.  Losing her has increased my day to day loneliness.  I know I have a husband and he dispels some of the loneliness but not all.  I know I have activities here in Carlock but those are only 3 or 4 days a month.  Hopefully after the holidays, I'll get off this train and get my Life coaching business going.  I need something, some reason to get out of the house each day.  I'm in a quagmire of inertia and need to break free.  Hopefully the world won't end by the time January comes around.  

Anyway, I AM grateful for all the kind thoughts some of you have sent me about my last posts and that's encouraged me to try to be more faithful to this exercise of self discovery so thank you for lighting a fire under my gluteous maximus.  It's nice to know there are people out there who read this from time to time.  Makes the loneliness not so lonely.

Thanks,

Jan

Today I am grateful for:

1.  Readers

2. Memories of Gabbi

3. My Husband

4. The Vet who so kindly helped Gabbi go to heaven.  BTW Her name is Dr. Kilby, am I the only one who finds that hysterically appropriate?

5. My friends who let me be uniquely me and don't try to change me.

Plus the normal things of life I'm grateful for...especially God's miraculous provision.  

Week one

It's been a week since I took Gabbi in to the vet for her last visit.  I pick up her ashes next Tuesday.  I'm having a difficult time getting over her.  She was the purest being I ever knew.  People who say that animals don't have souls or spirits must be wrong.  My Gabbi was living proof of that.  Dogs live in the now.  That's why they so easily forgive.  They're on to the next thing before our human emotions catch up. If you've hurt them, they've moved on and are ready to live and love.  However, if you teach them to be aggressive, they will be aggressive only to please you.  That's the nature of dogs.  They have been domesticated to the point where they only want to please whomever provides the food, the alpha.  Gabbi lived to make me happy.  When I was sad she'd come up to me with a look on her face that told me she wanted to understand and sympathize with me.  She'd jump in my lap and kiss me in a doggy attempt to make me feel better.  To Gabbi, Kevin and I were her world, even to the end when she acted like she didn't know who we were, she KNEW that she wanted to be with us.  When we finally had to restrict her to the utility room with a baby gate, she was happiest when we were in the kitchen and she could see us.  She was even happier when we opened the gate and she could come into the kitchen and be with us.

I know that some people may think I'm a little off the wall "grieving" over a dog for so long but I may grieve even longer, it depends.  I've checked out web sites for pet loss and according to them there are no rules for mourning over a lost pet.  So I'm gonna make my own rules and cry as much as I need to.

This is the last picture I took of Gabbi.  I took it with my cell phone in the car just before I took her into the vet for the last time.  She looks like she knows.  My arms miss holding her and rocking her.  I want her back so much it hurts.

Tomorrow I will take my heart, my Gabbi girl for her last visit to the vet.  I will hold her in my arms as she takes her last breath.  It's the very least I can do to honor her for the joy and love she's given me for the past 16.5 years.  She was the most loving and happy dog I've known and she kept me pretty much on an even keel.  Well, as even a keel as I can manage.

Dogs are the most forgiving, loving creatures on the planet.  Is it any wonder that dog spelled backwards is God?  I believe He created them to teach us what unconditional love truly is.  On Facebook I get these posts from animal shelters that take in dogs that have been horrifically abused and when properly cared for they love the humans that take care of them.  It's as though the dogs have forgiven humans for the horrible scars they now have.  Dogs have more dignity in the tips of their tails than any human walking the face of this planet.

So to Gabbi, for being so excited to see me at the end of a hard day at work, for sleeping under the covers with me and keeping my legs warm, for cuddling in my arms as I watched TV and asking for just one more belly rub, for following me so closely around the house I could feel your cold nose on my calf, for all the wet kisses you planted on my face, I will never forget you and will always regard you as the best dog I'll ever have.  Please know that even though these past 2 years as I watched you decline through Canine Cognitive Dysfunction Syndrome into a different dog, I never stopped loving you with all the fierceness of my heart.

Go in Peace my sweet little Gabbi.

Love, The Mommy