Gabbi

All she ever wanted was to be with me or Kevin.  Mostly me.  She was most content curled up at my feet, by my side in bed, or even better, on my lap.  When she was younger she loved to play with her toys, stuffed animals I bought at garage sales but most especially loved it when I or Kevin played with her.  My point is that I was her life.  I will never know a truer, purer or deeper love from a mortal being.  And the only thing I can think of is how I wish I felt that way about the Lord.  I wanna be a Mary.  I keep my life so busy (mentally more than physically) in an effort to avoid any personal time with God.  I don't know why I do that!!  It's so frustrating to me because in my mind I KNOW that improving my relationship with the Lord will improve my life in every conceivable way! Not to mention the overwhelming peace and joy I'll experience as a result of just sitting at His feet.

We can learn a lot about how to be better Christians (humans) from observing how dogs lives are totally wrapped up in their masters.  I WANT TO BE TOTALLY WRAPPED UP IN JESUS!  I NEED TO BE TOTALLY WRAPPED UP IN JESUS!

I may be over analyzing this too much but I know I'm not where I should be.  I also know that the Lord in His infinite mercy and pure, true and deep love takes me as I am.
So today I'm grateful for

1.  Knowing what true, pure and deep love is
2.  Having experienced it and learned it from Gabbi
3.  Having experienced it and am continuing to learn it from God
4.  All these places my brain takes me
5.  Understanding what "the wonders of His Love" means

Later,
Jan

Dodging Bullets

This past Wednesday I get a voice mail from my brother informing me that he is taking our mother to the emergency room.  She had an episode of extreme chest pain - the worst she's ever experienced and THIS time her arms and legs stopped working.  So, I got in my car and drove to St Mary's Hospital in Streator, IL and met my brother and mother in the ER.  She had atrial fibrillation, a dangerous heart arrhythmia if you're 85 and not so nice if you're younger.  They admitted her to ICU and managed to convert her heart to normal sinus rhythm using medications.  She stayed in the hospital until yesterday while they monitored her and made sure her new medications were keeping her heart rhythm stable.  Now I'm home and will be going back to be with mom after Christmas when she's alone.  The purpose is to not let her be alone while her body adjusts to the new medications. We'll try this for a couple of weeks and then reevaluate the need for 24 hour monitoring.

At 85 my mom has outlived her parents by at least 16 years so far.  She says she's ready to go and does not want to live longer than her dog.  She feels she couldn't bear to say goodbye to UD.  I just pray that she gets her wish, to go quickly and in her sleep.  She has the medical history for a quick and relatively painless demise.  I'm just extremely glad it didn't happen during the holidays.

When I worked in the VA I worked in the Oncology clinic and would just hate it when my patients passed between Thanksgiving and New Years.  With the tragedy at Newtown this past week, I'm angry again.  Those families will forever associate Christmas with the time their precious little child was violently taken from them by a psycho.  It's at times like these I don't understand God's purpose.  I mean, I honestly believe those precious children are celebrating Christmas with Jesus and in a much better place.  They will live on never knowing heartache or unbearable pain.  So I'm happy for them.  I just don't understand how God can allow such pain for the families when they should be celebrating the second most important event in the history of the planet, the first being Easter.  I believe God should put a moratorium on death between November 1 and January 2 each year so these can be happy times for everyone, even those who don't believe.  That may be a simplistic view but that's how I feel.

Anyway, today I am extremely grateful that:

1.  My mom's still here
2.  I got to pray with her
3.  My husband and his childlike wonder at Christmas
4.  Christmas Lights
5.  Friends

Later and Merry Christmas
Jan

Book Club

OK so it's Friday and anyone who owns a Nook can get a free book for their Nook library.  They offer a different genre each week so often I don't download the free book.  Today was one of those days.  Instead  I purchased the deal of the day.  It was $4.99.  It is about a dog who escaped being put down by gas in a shelter.  It's written by the woman who adopted him.  I'm looking forward to reading it even if it has a normal sad ending due to the short length of dogs lives.  I'm also glad that a portion of my purchase is going to PetFinder.org.  A great organization that maintains a website where all pet shelters can advertise pets up for adoption.  I've known about it for years and have cruised the pages of dogs available in Illinois since I found it in 2005.  I haven't been on it in a long time and don't plan on getting another dog, so I'll just satisfy myself reading about dogs and loving on the dogs of my friends.

The thing that gripes me is irresponsible pet owners who don't have their cats and dogs spayed or neutered.  There are too many domesticated animals who turn feral because they have to in order to survive.  How to the 2 connect?  Pet owners who don't spay or neuter end up finding their female pets with litters.  Pet owners who live in the country and don't want the litters do horrible things to the puppies or kittens to get rid of them because it now costs to get a shelter to take them off your hands.  City owners who find themselves in this position end up taking the 8 week old puppies and kittens out in the country and dump them off at a farm hoping the farmer will take care of them.  It's a necessary evil in order to maintain the shelter and feed the animals until they're adopted.

Christmas alone is one of the worst holidays for puppies and kittens.  Parents get their little darlings a puppy or a kitten expecting the child to be responsible for feeding etc and when the child does not live up to the parents expectations the puppy or kitten is taken to the shelter.  OR, the puppy or kitten grows up and before they're 1 year old they go to the shelter because they're no longer cute!  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  How irresponsible IS that?

Someone said that a society shoes how advanced it is in the way it treats it's animals.  I strongly believe that.

Today I'm thankful for:

1.  Charities that help low income RESPONSIBLE families get their pets spayed or neutered.
2.  PetFinder.org and the work they're doing
3.  All the no kill animal shelters who are saving the most loving beings on a daily basis
4.  Cindy, Taffy, Peppers, The Captain, Missy, Ginger, Laddie, Buster, Gabbi, UD
5.  Samantha, Idaho, Sachscachewan, Socrates, Coonrad, Jackson, Peaches

Later
Jan

BiPolar? Me?

Not normally however, lately that's how I think I'm acting.  Some days I'm ok and other days I'm crying my eyes dry.  Welcome to the roller coaster called grief.  The only thing I gotta say right now is don't EVER suck it up and try to be strong when you have a reason to grieve.  I honestly believe I'm making up for all the times I sucked it up and forced myself to look strong to others.  I know I've had a really bad 3 year run since I lost my job in October 2009 but I thought this past year was going ok until 2 months ago when the VA demanded I bend over again.  Believe me, if you're under a GS 7 in the VA your real job description is bend over and say "thank you, go deeper" with enthusiasm.  Then Gabbi died.  It's like all the important things in my life have been literally ripped from me.

So it goes.  One day I'm not necessarily up but I'm at least OK, then the next day waterworks.  Apparently this is ok and I'm normal.  Why doesn't it feel that way?  I can play the ADHD card and say that all my life I've felt outside of normal and that would be a valid observance.  I'm always checking myself to make sure I'm behaving "normally."  But what is normal?  I have a sneaking suspicion that it's an illusion conjured up by the psychological community.  Oh sure they SAY that they base this on statistical data but show much of that data has been skewed?  I say lets put the "FUN" back in dysFUNctional!  Blaise Pascal said it best when he said that it was so necessary to be mad that not to be mad was it's own form of madness.

Anyway, for today, I'm ok and that's all I have to work with.  After all, that's all we're promised, today.  Jesus said it best in Matthew 6:34 "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own." NASB

So today I'm thankful for:

1.  The Bible, God's Word
2.  Psychology and the laughs it provides
3.  Beef Chow Fun and Egg Rolls
4.  My bed
5.  Internet shopping and 40% off deals.  Yippee!!!  Merry Christmas to me!!!!!!!!!!

Until next time.
Jan

Yeah for the 70's

In the 70's Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was not only one of the first women to have a hyphenated name but she came up with the 5 stages of dying.  For everyone who worked in medicine it was a ground breaking work and published in a book called "Death and Dying" that flew off the shelves.  Anyone who was diagnosed with a terminal illness now had a guidebook on how to react normally to the news that they had a shorter time on earth than everyone else.  Now they use her model for grieving.  Some groups add 7 stages.

Now that I know there's a guide on how I should react to Gabbi's death I'm a little more confused.  In the first stage of grief the 5 and 7 stage models propose that the grievers are in shock and deny the terminal event.  OK, I'm NOT in shock and I made the appointment for Gabbi's terminal event.  I held her while the vet injected the terminal event chemical.  I held her while her heart stopped.  I kissed her and sang to her before she got the sedative prior to her terminal event.  She died knowing that her mommy was holding her and loving her all the way to heaven.  I'm not in denial that she's gone.  I'm not angry that she's no longer suffering dementia.  I'm certainly not arrogant enough to think that I can bargain with God, what would I bargain with?  Certainly I miss her and there are times my arms literally ache to hold her and take back that final few minutes with her.  But if I truly love her, I believe she's truly better off where she is and I'll wait until I reunite with her in heaven.

There is one guide for grieving that has only 3 stages - makes much more sense.  They even say it could take up to 2 years to stop grieving depending upon the strength of the relationship.

The only thing I do question is the strength of my grief.  It feels like all the times I've held it in when major people in my life have passed away are all snowballing in on me.  I don't think I ever cried this much for my dad.  BUT, it IS DECEMBER - my worst month.  Nothing like memories of Christmas past to start my waterworks.  I really miss all those people and traditions of my youth.  I especially miss the wonder of Christmas.  Frankly, I've never been a happy Christmas adult.  AND, it hasn't been 3 weeks yet so maybe I should be lighter on myself.

So, today I'm grateful for

1.  The 3 stage model of Grief
2.  Memories of Gabbi and Christmas even if they make me cry
3.  Blogging
4.  The internet so I can research how to grieve normally
5.  Humor

Later....

The Odd Little things

This is a picture of a memorial photo montage done of Gabbi by my friend Jackie Niblett along with the box Gabbi's ashes came in.  I'm showing this to tell an interesting story, but first another picture.

This is my mother's dog, UD.  As you can see she knew Gabbi (in the background).  In fact UD had known Gabbi since she was 8 weeks old and grew up playing with Gabbi (Gabbi was 5 years older than UD) whenever I'd visit my mother.  Now for the story.

I went to my mother's home after I picked up Gabbi's ashes, I brought along the photo montage in it's black matte so I could look for a frame at my mother's home.  She's an artist and has frames hanging around her house so whenever I need one I first shop at her house, the price is right - free.  After I got the photo in the frame the way I wanted it, I placed it in the chair as you see in the picture except the box with Gabbi's ashes was by a Christmas tree in a bay window near by.  After I placed the picture in the chair I went into the dining room to continue talking with my mother.  Where I sat I could see the picture in the chair.  While my mom and I were deep in conversation I saw UD slowly approach the chair, staring at the picture.  Then she sat down right in front of the chair while continuing to stare at the picture.  She stayed there for a long time before I got up and asked her "Is that Gabbi?"  She stood up and wagged her tail.  I placed the picture on the floor so UD could sniff it and then I decided to get the box down, open it and let her sniff the black plastic bag the ashes were in.  UD seemed to know that Gabbi had died.  The next 36 hours she was a more sedate and somber dog as though she were mourning and honoring her friend.  

OK, now more about my reaction to picking up Gabbi's ashes.  I was amazed at how much comfort I got from them right as soon as I held them.  It was like I got her back, not alive but in some physical form.  My humor returned full bore as well.  For instance, I took the picture and the box of Gabbi's ashes down the block to show them to a friend of mine.  When I came home I told my husband that I took Gabbi for a walk.

I know that some of these comments are morbid and will stop as time goes on but I'm so glad to see that some normalcy is returning to my life.  Am I letting go?  No way, I look forward to someday seeing Gabbi again, along with Roli, Buster, Socrates, Saskachewan, along with other pets I've known, I just have been blessed to find comfort in how I've decided to handle Gabbi's remains.  Our other 2 dogs are where they were the happiest and I know that Gabbi was always happiest with my husband and myself. So until I come across some other solution with Gabbi that fits her personality and my comfort level, she's staying with me. 

So for today I'm grateful for:

1.  Friends

2.  Gabbi in any form

3.  Family

4.  UD

5.  The existence of Heaven

Later.

Jan

Gabbi's Ashes

Tomorrow I will pick up Gabbi's Ashes.  After that I will drive to my mother's home.  A wonderful friend made me beautifully matted copies of photos of Gabbi that I will be finding frames for at my mom's house.

This past year I have reconnected with friends from my childhood and I'm so surprised at how well those friendships have handled the test of time.  Thank you Jax. 

I still haven't decided what to do with Gabbi though.  The biggest thing I've missed with her this past year is that she hasn't slept with me in my bed.  Since it's a select comfort bed and can be unzipped I thought it would be nice to double bag Gabbi in 2 gallon sized freezer bags and place her down by my feet between the air bag and the zippered cover over which I place 2 mattress pads and a fitted sheet.  I know it sounds weird and creepy but people keep the ashes of their loved ones and pets on mantles and other places in their homes forever.  Heck, Joan Rivers scattered Edgar's ashes on the sets of the Tonight Show and Dave Letterman.  What happened to Edgar when the clean up crew vacuumed him up?  I thought of scattering Gabbi on the property at my mom's home but that doesn't seem right to me.  She was always happiest with me and Kevin.  With her in bed at least I get to know where she is and that she's warm and comfortable, plus I won't really feel her down there by my feet.

I don't know.  I may just keep her in the canister they'll give me.  At this point it's no longer about her comfort but mine.  I really don't want to let her go and the bed thing seems to be the best way to keep her around just until I CAN let go.  

I do know that it's my call and no one else's.  It hasn't been 2 weeks yet and it still really hurts.  I was so grateful that my neighbor was walking by the post office when I opened up the package that contained the photos of Gabbi that my friend had matted and made to look like a painting.  Jessie came inside to comfort me cause she saw what I had opened up and knew how it would effect me.  Jessie was with me as I held Gabbi in my kitchen just before taking her to the vet.  She helped Kevin and I say our goodbyes to our Gabbi girl.  Throughout this experience I have been shown how blessed I really am with friends and neighbors.

So today I'm grateful for:

1.  Truly good neighbors

2.  Truly golden lifelong friends

3.  Humor (c'mon - that bit about Joan Rivers and Edgars ashes WAS funny)

4.  Emotional Sensitivity (it REALLY does equal emotional strength)

5.  My husband who loves me just the way I am, even though sometimes I don't think so.

Later.

Jan

PS - speaking of my neighbor, she has a delightfully beautiful 3 y/o girl named Kyra who calls me "hey neighbor" and I love it.  Kyra calls my husband the same thing.  We've sort of adopted them.  

SO I'm also very grateful for a 3 y/o little girl named Kyra who calls me by my new name "hey neighbor" and her mom who will have a lot to handle when Kyra grows up.

Food Bank

Spent yesterday morning working at our local food bank.  It was a wonderful time of camaraderie and service to my community.  I love working there.  I'm in charge of the canned goods.  Not too many yesterday.  They mostly had junk food (chips, etc), crackers, cereal, baked goods and bread.  My next door neighbor and her little daughter helped also.  We all have a good time setting up and helping people select food.  I sort and set up the can goods table and then remind people of things they can make with whatever I have in order to get them to take the stuff.  Yesterday I had about 15 boxes of green beans to get rid of.  I reminded people that it was green bean cassarole season and they could save a couple of bucks by grabbing some cans from my table.  I only had green beans and sweet corn.  Got rid of all the sweet corn and had 4 boxes of green beans left.

That is one of the activities in my month I enjoy besides book club and Friends of the Library.  Oh! I completely forgot bible study on monday nights.  OK, I'm up to 8 things to do in a 30 day month!  Looking for more reasons to get out of the house without spending any money.  Any Ideas?

Today I'm grateful for:

1.  Reasons to get out of the house.
2.  My state of health, even though it could use some improving
3.  That I still live in a relatively free country
4.  My husband
5.  Cheesecake (that and dark chocolate make life worth living)  (OK, Jesus too!)

Later...

And... Life goes on...

Christmas is a small miracle.  OK a huge miracle.  Why do I say that?  Because I'm slowly getting into the spirit of Christmas.  We have our tree up, just need to find the bulb that's broke and fix the red lights.  The blue and green lights are working.  I'm not really into searching the entire tree or even half to find the broken light.  I want one of those gizmos they advertised on TV last year where you plug it into one light socket and it shows you the missing/broken light.

I was able to walk through the utility room and think of Gabbi without being overwhelmed with grief.  With ADHD, being overwhelmed is a constant threat to the flow of production.  Tonight, however I was able to get the advent calender out of the Christmas Casket (huge red and green storage bin that could hold a corpse, hence the name) and get it ready to be loaded with chocolate.  It has 24 drawers for the 24 days leading up to Christmas, pull out a drawer, get the candy, eat it, turn the drawer to the backside and place it back into the calendar, at the end of 24 days it displays a picture of an alpine village decked out for Christmas.  Got it at Starbucks a few years ago and just love it.

Stockings are hung on the coffee cup rack in the kitchen.  Gotta get the manger scene out and set up.  Got the wreath hung on the door and other Christmas decorations strewn around.  Looking a little bit festive at the Callahan's if you ask me.  Just need to find a couple other things to complete the picture.

It has been said that Christmas can be an overwhelming time for those with ADD but, having all our decorations in one place and ready to go makes it much easier.

So today I'm grateful for...
1.  The Christmas Casket (I recommend everybody get one)
2.  My Husband
3.  The Lord who died so I might live.
4.  My neighbors
5.  My friends

Later dudes...

I want to change the title of this blog

Right now I think that "Life without Gabbi" would be a good title and I know that sometime I'll get over it or her loss but ADHD does make emotions much stronger.  That's one of the traits of ADHD I chose to like, heightened emotional sensitivity (yes Wendy, I can now cry with the best of them).  I am much more sensitive than a normal person which can be both good and bad.  Good cause I'm more in tune with others who hurt and need help, bad because that makes me an easier target for the bullies.  Fortunately for me, I have a pretty good sense of self and an accurate opinion of my strengths and weaknesses.  So no matter what bullies may throw at me, I'm pretty secure in who I am and get over it pretty quickly.  Most people would call it confidence.  I call it "Just Being Me."  I'm very grateful the Lord blessed me with it.

There was a great segment on the Dr. Oz show about females living with ADHD where Dr. Oz interviewed Dr. Ned Hallowell (one of my heroes) and another psychiatrist specializing in ADHD.  It focused on issues of moodiness, anxiety (Wendy, quit laughing, I can hear you all the way over here, jeeeesh!), and fatigue.  I highly recommend you google Dr. Hallowell and look for it on his website or facebook page and watch it.

Gabbi helped me with ADHD.  She kept me calm.  She was also the best headache medicine in the world.  Just stick your head into her side and somehow the headache disappears.  I miss those things a lot.  I have no one to rub my head into when it hurts.  I have no one to scratch behind the ears.  Losing her has increased my day to day loneliness.  I know I have a husband and he dispels some of the loneliness but not all.  I know I have activities here in Carlock but those are only 3 or 4 days a month.  Hopefully after the holidays, I'll get off this train and get my Life coaching business going.  I need something, some reason to get out of the house each day.  I'm in a quagmire of inertia and need to break free.  Hopefully the world won't end by the time January comes around.  

Anyway, I AM grateful for all the kind thoughts some of you have sent me about my last posts and that's encouraged me to try to be more faithful to this exercise of self discovery so thank you for lighting a fire under my gluteous maximus.  It's nice to know there are people out there who read this from time to time.  Makes the loneliness not so lonely.

Thanks,

Jan

Today I am grateful for:

1.  Readers

2. Memories of Gabbi

3. My Husband

4. The Vet who so kindly helped Gabbi go to heaven.  BTW Her name is Dr. Kilby, am I the only one who finds that hysterically appropriate?

5. My friends who let me be uniquely me and don't try to change me.

Plus the normal things of life I'm grateful for...especially God's miraculous provision.  

Week one

It's been a week since I took Gabbi in to the vet for her last visit.  I pick up her ashes next Tuesday.  I'm having a difficult time getting over her.  She was the purest being I ever knew.  People who say that animals don't have souls or spirits must be wrong.  My Gabbi was living proof of that.  Dogs live in the now.  That's why they so easily forgive.  They're on to the next thing before our human emotions catch up. If you've hurt them, they've moved on and are ready to live and love.  However, if you teach them to be aggressive, they will be aggressive only to please you.  That's the nature of dogs.  They have been domesticated to the point where they only want to please whomever provides the food, the alpha.  Gabbi lived to make me happy.  When I was sad she'd come up to me with a look on her face that told me she wanted to understand and sympathize with me.  She'd jump in my lap and kiss me in a doggy attempt to make me feel better.  To Gabbi, Kevin and I were her world, even to the end when she acted like she didn't know who we were, she KNEW that she wanted to be with us.  When we finally had to restrict her to the utility room with a baby gate, she was happiest when we were in the kitchen and she could see us.  She was even happier when we opened the gate and she could come into the kitchen and be with us.

I know that some people may think I'm a little off the wall "grieving" over a dog for so long but I may grieve even longer, it depends.  I've checked out web sites for pet loss and according to them there are no rules for mourning over a lost pet.  So I'm gonna make my own rules and cry as much as I need to.

This is the last picture I took of Gabbi.  I took it with my cell phone in the car just before I took her into the vet for the last time.  She looks like she knows.  My arms miss holding her and rocking her.  I want her back so much it hurts.

Tomorrow I will take my heart, my Gabbi girl for her last visit to the vet.  I will hold her in my arms as she takes her last breath.  It's the very least I can do to honor her for the joy and love she's given me for the past 16.5 years.  She was the most loving and happy dog I've known and she kept me pretty much on an even keel.  Well, as even a keel as I can manage.

Dogs are the most forgiving, loving creatures on the planet.  Is it any wonder that dog spelled backwards is God?  I believe He created them to teach us what unconditional love truly is.  On Facebook I get these posts from animal shelters that take in dogs that have been horrifically abused and when properly cared for they love the humans that take care of them.  It's as though the dogs have forgiven humans for the horrible scars they now have.  Dogs have more dignity in the tips of their tails than any human walking the face of this planet.

So to Gabbi, for being so excited to see me at the end of a hard day at work, for sleeping under the covers with me and keeping my legs warm, for cuddling in my arms as I watched TV and asking for just one more belly rub, for following me so closely around the house I could feel your cold nose on my calf, for all the wet kisses you planted on my face, I will never forget you and will always regard you as the best dog I'll ever have.  Please know that even though these past 2 years as I watched you decline through Canine Cognitive Dysfunction Syndrome into a different dog, I never stopped loving you with all the fierceness of my heart.

Go in Peace my sweet little Gabbi.

Love, The Mommy

I'm Still Here

Hi again, just thought I'd catch up on what's been happening...  My husband and I have moved to a new town and I love it!  The town has only 600 people living in it but the Library (which is only a block away) is right up there with the big leagues.  They have 4 computers for public use.  I usually go there with my lap top to use their wifi.  

My dog of 16.5 years has canine cognitive dysfunction syndrome and it's like living with a dog who has alzheimer's.  Every day is a whole new day.  It's sad because she acts like she no longer knows me.  She's not the same.  But she has a pretty good quality of life so euthanasia is out of the question.

Rural life is great!  Now that I'm retired I do a lot of reading so I got a Nook Color.  I love it.  After I got it I read the Reader's digest review comparing the iPad, Nook and Kindle and I'm pretty please to say that the Nook was rated the best tablet bargain.  Plus I can "borrow" e-books from the library system over cyberspace.  

I've started a Bible Study with 2 ladies in the community.  I hope it grows.  We are studying the book "Prayer begins with Relationship" and are in our 6th month now.  I had prayed for years to get back to my first love and the Lord has been faithful to send me 2 women who remind me of that time in my life.  I've gotten involved with their church's community outreach - a monthly food bank and have been amazed at how much love for their community these women have.  They are living examples of the first few chapters of Acts.

So for today I'm grateful for:

1.  The Library of Carlock, IL

2.  The Town of Carlock, IL

3.  The People of Carlock, IL

4.  Our new home

5.  My old dog.

6.  My new friends and bible study companions.

7.  My neighbor and her daughter

8.  My husband

9.  My old friends

Till next time...