The other day I went out on our back deck to enjoy the warm spring air. While I stood there, all I could see was Gabbi running around the back yard. It was hard and I didn't stay out too long. If the neighbors looked out their windows they would have seen me sobbing. Fortunately it was during work/school hours so I don't think I was seen.
On the deck was her old bed. I can't bring myself to part with it. I know it should go though. I don't want to sell it in a garage sale, I'd rather burn it. There are a few other things I want to get rid of that I wouldn't mind selling and IF we get another dog down the road I know where to get replacements.
I'm surprised at how much I still look for her. There are times I want to put my plate down on the kitchen floor so she can lick the scraps and then I catch myself. That's how it is when I go out to the backyard. I catch myself looking for her. There are neighbors to the west of us who might ask what happened to our dog and I find myself not knowing how to say she's gone. We only see these neighbors when we're outside and we haven't been out in the back yard since before Thanksgiving. The 2 boys liked Gabbi and wanted to pet her whenever I had her out and they were out as well.
Then there are the times I recall the last time I held her and long to turn the clock back to that moment before the vet injected the chemical that stopped her heart. Even though she was senile and didn't know who I was anymore she knew she wanted to be with me. She looked for me all the time and was most content when she could see me and knew I was there for her. All she really needed physically was some sleep. It was to the point where she was pacing 22 out of 24 hours. She was literally walking herself to death. The only sleep she got was in my arms and for an hour or 2 after I laid her down in her bed while she was sleeping. If I had gotten her some sort of narcotic that let her sleep for 16 hours each day would she have been able to recover enough to have a quality of life that would have let her live a couple more years? I hadn't thought of that before this past week. Until her last 2 weeks she was a happy dog even though she was senile, she enjoyed her food and being in sight of us.
I don't know. Maybe I'm the type of person who needs another dog but, I really want to see how life without a pet turns out.
So, I'm grateful for:
1. Other peoples pets.
2. Pictures of rescued dogs on Facebook
3. Movies of rescued dogs on Facebook and Godvine
4. My mother's dog
5. Memories of Gabbi, Roly and Buster.
Later,
Jan
